Big Fat Mature student with OCD

Since my last post I ..Well I have studied a little, when panic sets in I take meds and they calm me down. Yesterday I took a little more then I should have and slept. In my country the concept of Mature student is't very strong. I had to go to University today to get my registration id for the exams because I did't get it. Although when I came back it arrived 5 minutes after I was back. It was a bit odd in the university. Nothing unpleasent though, was't really that difficult.

Since I dropped out and resumed studies I really have't had any unpleasent experiences..just fears.. Few years back there I was starting an accounting class..There I was.. My Computer based examination center was in a campus where mean age was 16. I had told myself one thing... Laser guided.. U just go.. like a cruise missile.. Give exams.. and come back.. No need to be an unguided bomb and be effected or effect things right and left. This "Laster Guided" approach has helped me over the years. Anyway there I was...looking for someone who was above my age(might have been).. I was in my mid to late 20s and this kid walked upto me. Now in a herd of kids as a fat man you can get jokes. I was prepared for a come back, perhaps with a tint of agression or indifference, the kid politely asked me which exam I am here for, then he shook my hand and said very politely...Good Luck.. For some reason I would probably always remember it considering the whole situation.

Now this exam center is a bit like for the "masses" and I don't expect professionals or people with serious attitude their, however my fears are mostly just fears. I fear the chairs their would be too small for me(not likely). What would I do? Would I walk out? Would i sit uncomfortably? Well no one can stop you from walking out I guess lol. But here, in my city i have a good social standing. I don't want people to know I don't yet have a bachelors degree and am going for an option years ago and did't go because I had wrong information about the acceptance of my high school diploma(which is from the British system) and I was too afraid to check it.

I should pass, logic says that. But over the years.. I have lost a lot of confidence. What if Examiner can not understand me? Well I guess then I would fail lol. Which is no big deal considering I only thought about going for it like a month back and have studied for just over a week. But I know the course, I know it.. Its so easy.. it should be a piece of cake. Right now ..going..appearing.. looks like hassle. And the lack of confidence. However I am determined. I would go and I would appear and give it my best. Easier said then done when ur studying with intrusive thoughts from a thousand other subjects when ur studying one and the fear of going to an unknown place to give exams.

I have been through this system before the high school. I am not exactly expecting a five star hotel with well paid and kind young invigilators but I hope i am not ridiculed(don't think i would). And I don't meet anybody who is more worried about my weight and academic career then me lol. Die is the cast.. This is the price of freedom. I need this degree, so I can go for masters and complete my ACCA with confidence. I hope ..things go well....

Studying with OCD ..Another day

Improvement, Great day. I have started compartmentalizing and its helping. As I said in the last post I totally plane to appear in exams and pass them despite the OCD. Contact the university they said I would get my enrollment slip in a day or two tops. They have dispatched it. Actually asked someone to do it in my behalf.

Text books are nothing but confusing and inducing anxiety, almost had a panic attack yesterday. Today I am sticking to syllabus and with courage. Turns out its not difficult if u stick to syllabus and past papers and use Internet and take breaks when you have to. Multi Tasking actually helped. I am watching an episode of The Following as I write this post. I have managed to cover a lot as far studies are concerned. Yesterday after I posted on my blogged I did try talking to imaginary audience and it did help but I ended up using Music and reading calmly.

The problem is when too many things come to your mind. When you study, you have to focus on what you are actually studying, if you don't understand a term, go back to the page you must/might have missed something. I am taking past papers and syllabus for guideline and and doing well(I am on light doctor recommended benzodiazepines too). I had an option and decided to use it. Earlier I almost went in panic again, text book was so confusing but then I went to university's web page and downloaded the course, it was quite simpler. I have made a few mental sketches of what and when I am going to study and its helping..Now feeling great about myself

p.s
benzodiazepines are not for everyone, especially when your studying, use ONLY under doctor's supervision and in controlled environment as a last resort. Do not use it at all if u can do without it or the doctors thinks otherwise. Its probably not a good idea in most situations.They are called sleeping pills for a reason.

Studying with OCD

Ok now appearing in BA in two weeks plus. I am off SSRIs for months and I was doing reasonable I guess. Now this idea of resuming studies struck me and a private BA sounded like the best option. Something like 3 weeks back I registered with triple fee and chose my favorite subjects. Of course being the kind of procrastination didn't study. Now this is easy. the amount of knowledge I have this BA should be (technically) a piece of cake. I am not a kid. I have nothing to loose. Yet when I opened the sociology book(my fav subject) before i was through the second page my ocd came back with a vengeance. Naturally I don't have an IQ of 200, if an intrusive thought is going to come in my mind I would only be able to think of a vague answer to a question related to the subject. Not to mention the secondary social anxiety of going and appearing with kids a decade younger then me with the kind of weigh I have.

And then imagine intrusive thoughts attacking you all over. Well I couldn't handle them so I put the books down. I wasn't defeated however. I called my shrink, took sedatives went to my folks and spoke my heart out. I felt better. I even tried the pathetic habit I kicked in 2007(smoking). I don't plan to start again, just a temporary measure(don't try it). Then I talked to a friend on line, swapped a few coping techniques, put on headphones and played Jazz and some Indian Music from the 1980s and started again.. As my friend Churchill once said "We shell never surrender". I WANT TO STUDY.

Its not like i need to or am expected to. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO! And well it did work, I almost completed a whole chapter. Hope I do better from now on and pass with flying colours.. Both in BA and in ACCA in June(I would probably appear in one subject).

Life With OCD

How do I say it? I have been on meds, I have abused alcohol. I even abused meds. Living with ocd is a continuous process, Medication did help(a lot). Right now I am off them, giving the whole healthy life style thing a try. Or I thought I would. I am off meds and not having a healthy life style but lately I have started trying to turn things around. This blog is a living proof lol. One of my regrets is that ocd badly effected my academic life, I am a college drop out. I have decided to resume my studies, going over my fear and sitting in exams with kids(I am 32). In my country there is a system where you can get your bachelors degree by appearing in exams(without attending college), something GED in US.
Bachelors is easy, piece of cake as far knowledge is concerned. Anxiety that forces me to put down book and worry about the whole process of going to exams is hard. Just now, I had the obsessive urge to check out the worthless documents of my college years and I did. I am trying to turn my life around, if I need to I would go on meds again. I am also studying to become an affiliate and then meber of the ACCA(Association of certified chartered accountants). As I wrote more, you would get to know more about me and my life with ocd..