Monday 30 March 2015

Studying with OCD

Ok now appearing in BA in two weeks plus. I am off SSRIs for months and I was doing reasonable I guess. Now this idea of resuming studies struck me and a private BA sounded like the best option. Something like 3 weeks back I registered with triple fee and chose my favorite subjects. Of course being the kind of procrastination didn't study. Now this is easy. the amount of knowledge I have this BA should be (technically) a piece of cake. I am not a kid. I have nothing to loose. Yet when I opened the sociology book(my fav subject) before i was through the second page my ocd came back with a vengeance. Naturally I don't have an IQ of 200, if an intrusive thought is going to come in my mind I would only be able to think of a vague answer to a question related to the subject. Not to mention the secondary social anxiety of going and appearing with kids a decade younger then me with the kind of weigh I have.

And then imagine intrusive thoughts attacking you all over. Well I couldn't handle them so I put the books down. I wasn't defeated however. I called my shrink, took sedatives went to my folks and spoke my heart out. I felt better. I even tried the pathetic habit I kicked in 2007(smoking). I don't plan to start again, just a temporary measure(don't try it). Then I talked to a friend on line, swapped a few coping techniques, put on headphones and played Jazz and some Indian Music from the 1980s and started again.. As my friend Churchill once said "We shell never surrender". I WANT TO STUDY.

Its not like i need to or am expected to. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO! And well it did work, I almost completed a whole chapter. Hope I do better from now on and pass with flying colours.. Both in BA and in ACCA in June(I would probably appear in one subject).

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