Studying with OCD ..Another day

Improvement, Great day. I have started compartmentalizing and its helping. As I said in the last post I totally plane to appear in exams and pass them despite the OCD. Contact the university they said I would get my enrollment slip in a day or two tops. They have dispatched it. Actually asked someone to do it in my behalf.

Text books are nothing but confusing and inducing anxiety, almost had a panic attack yesterday. Today I am sticking to syllabus and with courage. Turns out its not difficult if u stick to syllabus and past papers and use Internet and take breaks when you have to. Multi Tasking actually helped. I am watching an episode of The Following as I write this post. I have managed to cover a lot as far studies are concerned. Yesterday after I posted on my blogged I did try talking to imaginary audience and it did help but I ended up using Music and reading calmly.

The problem is when too many things come to your mind. When you study, you have to focus on what you are actually studying, if you don't understand a term, go back to the page you must/might have missed something. I am taking past papers and syllabus for guideline and and doing well(I am on light doctor recommended benzodiazepines too). I had an option and decided to use it. Earlier I almost went in panic again, text book was so confusing but then I went to university's web page and downloaded the course, it was quite simpler. I have made a few mental sketches of what and when I am going to study and its helping..Now feeling great about myself

p.s
benzodiazepines are not for everyone, especially when your studying, use ONLY under doctor's supervision and in controlled environment as a last resort. Do not use it at all if u can do without it or the doctors thinks otherwise. Its probably not a good idea in most situations.They are called sleeping pills for a reason.

Studying with OCD

Ok now appearing in BA in two weeks plus. I am off SSRIs for months and I was doing reasonable I guess. Now this idea of resuming studies struck me and a private BA sounded like the best option. Something like 3 weeks back I registered with triple fee and chose my favorite subjects. Of course being the kind of procrastination didn't study. Now this is easy. the amount of knowledge I have this BA should be (technically) a piece of cake. I am not a kid. I have nothing to loose. Yet when I opened the sociology book(my fav subject) before i was through the second page my ocd came back with a vengeance. Naturally I don't have an IQ of 200, if an intrusive thought is going to come in my mind I would only be able to think of a vague answer to a question related to the subject. Not to mention the secondary social anxiety of going and appearing with kids a decade younger then me with the kind of weigh I have.

And then imagine intrusive thoughts attacking you all over. Well I couldn't handle them so I put the books down. I wasn't defeated however. I called my shrink, took sedatives went to my folks and spoke my heart out. I felt better. I even tried the pathetic habit I kicked in 2007(smoking). I don't plan to start again, just a temporary measure(don't try it). Then I talked to a friend on line, swapped a few coping techniques, put on headphones and played Jazz and some Indian Music from the 1980s and started again.. As my friend Churchill once said "We shell never surrender". I WANT TO STUDY.

Its not like i need to or am expected to. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO! And well it did work, I almost completed a whole chapter. Hope I do better from now on and pass with flying colours.. Both in BA and in ACCA in June(I would probably appear in one subject).

Life With OCD

How do I say it? I have been on meds, I have abused alcohol. I even abused meds. Living with ocd is a continuous process, Medication did help(a lot). Right now I am off them, giving the whole healthy life style thing a try. Or I thought I would. I am off meds and not having a healthy life style but lately I have started trying to turn things around. This blog is a living proof lol. One of my regrets is that ocd badly effected my academic life, I am a college drop out. I have decided to resume my studies, going over my fear and sitting in exams with kids(I am 32). In my country there is a system where you can get your bachelors degree by appearing in exams(without attending college), something GED in US.
Bachelors is easy, piece of cake as far knowledge is concerned. Anxiety that forces me to put down book and worry about the whole process of going to exams is hard. Just now, I had the obsessive urge to check out the worthless documents of my college years and I did. I am trying to turn my life around, if I need to I would go on meds again. I am also studying to become an affiliate and then meber of the ACCA(Association of certified chartered accountants). As I wrote more, you would get to know more about me and my life with ocd..